To my first love,
Hi, how are you? It’s been a while since we last talked, it’s been a while since last saw your face, it’s been a while since I saw you smile or heard you laugh. Needless to say, I miss all of those. More directly, I guess I’m trying to say that I miss you.
Then again, I suppose all that’s my fault, since it was my decision to keep my distance, it was my will to cut you out of my life with the hopes that the memory of you would dissipate as soon as I did. I’m sorry if I disappeared like that, but rest assured I didn’t do it out of spite. I’m sorry if I couldn’t adhere to what we agreed upon: To stay friends. I thought it’d be easy, especially since after we talked. I thought my heart could take it and that my eyes could easily change the way I see you. Obviously all that was a failure, all a plan that was never set into motion. I’m sorry, but I would be a liar if I said I didn’t try.
I did. I did try. I spent countless nights staring at the blank wall, whispering to myself reassuring words I never believed in. If only the heart was so easily swayed by the shaky words and vague premonitions my mind had to offer, guess it could’ve worked out; instead, I end up choking back saltwater with a bitter aftertaste on my tongue praying to God for help before falling asleep in exhaustion. I wanted it to work out. Believe me, I tried, I did, but it wasn’t long before I was locked in an unending loop of frustration. It was then I decided to prioritse myself. I took my leave and kept my distance. Thank God, I feel better now.
Don’t worry. I already accepted what happened. I already thought about us the way you taught me to. You were right. It couldn’t work either way. I was too blinded by sentiment and emotion to see that. I’m sorry it took a break-up for me to realise that, I’m sorry I couldn’t see how things were back then the way I see them now. Moreover, I’m sorry I treat you like a complete stranger now, when you deserve better than that.
I meant what I said; it’s hard for me to see us as merely friends, for once you were my entire world and all that I am revolved around my personal star that was you; I still remember calling you my moon, although I was the one caught in your gravity. To see you reduced as a friend was like witnessing God become man once more: possible, beautiful and miraculous, but ultimately doesn’t last very long. For just as Jesus ascended to the heavens, so do you always find a way to creep your way back into the deepest crevices of my heart. You were my first love after all, who am I to deny you that privilege?
I took your advice. I’m going out, spending time with myself, discovering who I am at my own pace. It was scary at first, I was unsure of everything I was doing, but slowly I realised, it was easy. After all, out of all the people, you can’t keep secrets from yourself. With that, I am slowly learning who I am and what I’m truly capable of and I thank you for that.
I also wanna thank you for all the things you taught me: to not judge, to be observant, and most importantly, to listen. These are the remnants of you that I’m trying to live out, and although I might not be applying them as well as you do, but it gives me peace that out of something broken, a lot of good came out of it. Thank you for making me a better person. Thank you for showing me how love feels, and thank you for showing me how loss feels too. At least I know what I’m feeling is real; and that compensates for any residual heartache. Part of me will always love you, no matter how much I wish it didn’t.
In the future, when we do see each other I might not look at you in the eye, nor would I have the courage to breathe out a greeting. I know the three-month rule is almost up and all, but you know me well enough to know what my biggest fear is. Rest assured, please know that even with the absence of any audible or visible greeting, deep down part of me is glad that at that point, our paths crossed again. Until then, I wish you all the best, and I hope that you’ll find what you’re looking for.
Sincerely,
Someone you used to know.
Phobos et Deimos 