Of Meteors And Men

The clatter of utensils over here, the smoky aroma of coffee over there, the occasional chaos of the traffic in the distance – yes, such was the humdrum flow of my mundane life. The cacophony was constant, but I’ve grown used to it. The familiarity of it all can be likened to the buzz of a million fireflies if I weren’t a city boy. But I was, and the urban scene was my meadow, skyscrapers were my apple trees, and like a lone shepherd, I keep watch over these everyday scenes, for they were home. I thrived, and I stayed on my own.

Being alone is peaceful, there’s no other way to put it. It’s the only time I am able to reach out deep within, rekindle flames in places only I could touch. It’s the only time I feel grounded, like a root piercing and proliferating throughout the subterranean soil. Gravity bound me to the surface, and I stand as my own person. Being alone is peaceful, and I’ve spent enough time to know that this is true.

But then he came like a meteor that bypassed the atmosphere and evolved into a meteorite. He crossed the sky in streaks of red and yellow, impossible to miss, radiating a vibrant glow. Like a moth to a flame, my eyes were fixated, and when his own pools of brown poured over to my ebony caverns, it was decided; I became the crater.

The meteorite was fascinating. The twinkle on his eyes was a galaxy, the sound of his voice carried on for lightyears, the tremor of his laugh had the intensity of sunbeams, the whites on his teeth rivalled that of Halley’s. He spoke of stories about the cosmos that fascinated the native I am, he told tales of other people that awed even the misanthropist that I was. When his hand finally enclosed in mine, rock to a crater, contact was made. Maybe we aren’t as alone as we think after all.

Being with him was peaceful. There was no other way to put it. It’s the only time when my reach extended from my appendages, and collaborated with another’s soul, igniting flames in places I never knew existed. It’s the only time I feel suspended, shot up in flames from my terrestrial spire – yielding, ultimately free. Being with him is peaceful, and I intend to allow time to take its toll and prove if this stands true.

To The One That Got Away

To my first love,

Hi, how are you? It’s been a while since we last talked, it’s been a while since last saw your face, it’s been a while since I saw you smile or heard you laugh. Needless to say, I miss all of those. More directly, I guess I’m trying to say that I miss you.

Then again, I suppose all that’s my fault, since it was my decision to keep my distance, it was my will to cut you out of my life with the hopes that the memory of you would dissipate as soon as I did. I’m sorry if I disappeared like that, but rest assured I didn’t do it out of spite. I’m sorry if I couldn’t adhere to what we agreed upon: To stay friends. I thought it’d be easy, especially since after we talked. I thought my heart could take it and that my eyes could easily change the way I see you. Obviously all that was a failure, all a plan that was never set into motion. I’m sorry, but I would be a liar if I said I didn’t try.

I did. I did try. I spent countless nights staring at the blank wall, whispering to myself reassuring words I never believed in. If only the heart was so easily swayed by the shaky words and vague premonitions my mind had to offer, guess it could’ve worked out; instead, I end up choking back saltwater with a bitter aftertaste on my tongue praying to God for help before falling asleep in exhaustion. I wanted it to work out. Believe me, I tried, I did, but it wasn’t long before I was locked in an unending loop of frustration. It was then I decided to prioritse myself. I took my leave and kept my distance. Thank God, I feel better now.

Don’t worry. I already accepted what happened. I already thought about us the way you taught me to. You were right. It couldn’t work either way. I was too blinded by sentiment and emotion to see that. I’m sorry it took a break-up for me to realise that, I’m sorry I couldn’t see how things were back then the way I see them now. Moreover, I’m sorry I treat you like a complete stranger now, when you deserve better than that.

I meant what I said; it’s hard for me to see us as merely friends, for once you were my entire world and all that I am revolved around my personal star that was you; I still remember calling you my moon, although I was the one caught in your gravity. To see you reduced as a friend was like witnessing God become man once more: possible, beautiful and miraculous, but ultimately doesn’t last very long. For just as Jesus ascended to the heavens, so do you always find a way to creep your way back into the deepest crevices of my heart. You were my first love after all, who am I to deny you that privilege?

I took your advice. I’m going out, spending time with myself, discovering who I am at my own pace. It was scary at first, I was unsure of everything I was doing, but slowly I realised, it was easy. After all, out of all the people, you can’t keep secrets from yourself. With that, I am slowly learning who I am and what I’m truly capable of and I thank you for that.

I also wanna thank you for all the things you taught me: to not judge, to be observant, and most importantly, to listen. These are the remnants of you that I’m trying to live out, and although I might not be applying them as well as you do, but it gives me peace that out of something broken, a lot of good came out of it. Thank you for making me a better person. Thank you for showing me how love feels, and thank you for showing me how loss feels too. At least I know what I’m feeling is real; and that compensates for any residual heartache. Part of me will always love you, no matter how much I wish it didn’t.

In the future, when we do see each other I might not look at you in the eye, nor would I have the courage to breathe out a greeting. I know the three-month rule is almost up and all, but you know me well enough to know what my biggest fear is. Rest assured, please know that even with the absence of any audible or visible greeting, deep down part of me is glad that at that point, our paths crossed again. Until then, I wish you all the best, and I hope that you’ll find what you’re looking for.

Sincerely,

Someone you used to know.

Gravity

The shadow of a ladder extending towards the heavens loomed over me while I lay down on the frigid ground. My eyes were open and staring at the stars that I was so close to touching. My twisted arm reached out to the cold air, but I know they were already out of reach. I dropped my arm to my side and recounted how it all went wrong. It didn’t take very long to recall something so fresh. Falling from a short height is tolerable, from an average height endurable. Falling from high ground is another story altogether.

I’ve fallen from such a height. I’ve willed myself to do it. The climb was great, a careful, misguided plan of masochism such as love. The ladder was set, its rungs limitless. There was nowhere else to go but up. I had eagerly grasped on and willed myself upward. It was slow, but rewarding. Rung after rung, I led myself to greater heights, enabling myself to breathe atmospheres I never knew existed, beholding sights I wasn’t capable of seeing. As the climb grew steeper and steeper, it was only a matter of time before I was seeing the city lights beneath me and I sighed, taking in the sweet horizon my eyes were feasting upon.

This is the highest I’ve ever been, I had thought, and it feels amazing.

That being said, I took another step higher, and as swift as a knife going in for a kill, my thoughts betrayed me. A snap threw me backward, and the broken rung slipped from my fingers. Before I knew it, I was going down the way I came.

The fall was infuriatingly beautiful. An array of lights rushed to greet me as I descended towards my demise. Every colour of emotion greeted me with a mocking smile, every memory kissed me with the intensity of a million suns. I was falling, yes I was. But I was too caught up in the beauty of it, I barely noticed that something was wrong until I was inches away from the ground.

Then, there was the impact. I closed my eyes, but that barely did anything. Sweet pain rocketed up my senses, like divine punishment to a mere mortal. The venom of the pain seared on, and I could only scream for it to stop but to no avail.

After a while, here I am – still sore, but recovering.

For the umpteenth time, I breathed out a silent oath as my whole body quivered from the lingering ache that has still got me down on my knees.

I’ve had it. I’m done, I kept telling myself.

I can’t keep playing the same old games.

I may be human, but I ain’t a saint.

Martyrdom isn’t cut out for me.

I won’t fall again.

I won’t fall again.

I won’t fall again.

I won’t fall…

I won’t…

I…

…

Or so I thought.

A pair of brown eyes caught my eye, careful as a blade on flesh. A pair of guarded lips were next, sealed in a taut line of hidden emotion. “Guarded” didn’t last for very long as the two streaks of pink pulled back to reveal a smile. A dimple on each cheek added an extra dose of welcome in her smile.

She was a sight to behold. A masterpiece in herself.

It didn’t take me long to realize that,

I was ready to climb the ladder once more.

Up we go then.

At Storm’s End

How does it feel, when you’re stuck in the eye of the storm and everything around you dissolves into chaos?

Hell is inevitable to people who’re fresh out of a relationship; or in my case, an attempted one. People tend to stress the “no commitment” part a bit too much, making you feel like there wasn’t something special to begin with.

But there was, there was. Sad how everything is in past tense right now.

The false sense of calm was only an exterior show for the storm that was brewing within me. Denial was inevitable, frustration was normal, and of course, there’s that lingering sadness that latches on and seeps away what’s left of your happiness.

The rain was falling now. Soft drops of liquid crystal fell from oblivion; I was slowly getting drenched from the insistent shower. Shelter was scarce, the trees only provided minimal help against the impending barrage.

Everything seemed to fall apart from there on. Sad songs were on loop in my playlist, I found myself avoiding all hopeful songs while clinging on to the bitter reality that was sentenced unto me.

I was drowning in self-misery, yes. Oddly enough though, only when I was drowning could I finally breathe in the air of sweet acceptance. Roads end, new ones start. Doors close and better ones open. Every opportunity was calling out my name, but I didn’t know how to respond. I was still chained into a  sense of hope that was bound to betray me.

The wind picked up, and the atmosphere burned of electricity. Chains of sparks flew in every direction, reaching out to the ground like a sinner begging for mercy. Water rained down in endless waves, scattering all the proud of heart, casting the mighty from their thrones.

Being downright deadpan was so easy, it was almost scary. Daggers flew from our eyes whenever our eyes would meet, awkward silences were so loud to the point where they were deafening. Amazing is it? How hard it is to turn a stranger into your friend, yet how easy it is to turn a friend into a stranger.

I seized every opportunity to “move on.” Dim lights, burning lungs, stolen kisses, laboured breaths, everything to keep my mind off things. I knew in the end that it was futile. Her face burned into my eyes every time I closed my eyes, her voice filled my ears at the end of every breath. I couldn’t keep running away from something that was there to stay.

I had to face it.

“Let’s be start over. There’s no point of wasting a perfectly good friendship over something that didn’t work out.”

.

.

.

.

The next day, I was minding my own business when she showed up. She smiled, and waved. I just didn’t know how to react to that.

After hours of unforgiving downpour, the rain and wind faltered; a pact between the elements were formed, and blazing fire shone through the clouds, and an everlasting array of blue painted the skies once again. 

By morning, gone was any trace of you. I think I’m finally clean.